


How you sank into my soul

by ca_te



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-11
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-21 06:32:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about how Blaine and Kurt's relationship developed over time, from high school to college.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a small series that follows Blaine and Kurt relationship over time. This first part is set during Season 2. The initial quote is taken from the song "Kings of Carrot Flowers" by Neutral Milk Hotel

 

 _One afternoon I knew I could love you_   
**  
**

When Blaine met Kurt something tickled his heart, but at first he didn’t listen. It was something new and he didn’t know what to do with it. Probably it was the way Kurt’s eyes shone with wonder or the way his smile looked unsure as if he hadn’t been used to smile.

His hand was soft and warm and for an instant Blaine found himself thinking that he didn’t want to let go. As they stopped in front of the door of the common room he blinked and took a deep breath before letting Kurt’s hand slip away.

He hadn’t planned it, really, but as he started to sing his eyes automatically locked with the other boy’s. Blaine had always loved singing, the feeling that he could express through other people's words what he would otherwise keep inside because it was scary to expose himself more than he had already done.

But standing there, singing _Teenage dream_ , was something different, because somehow, even though it probably didn’t make sense, he had the feeling that those words made sense exactly because he was singing them to that boy. And he didn’t even know his name.

*

It turned out that his name was Kurt and that he was like a small, lost bird. Hearing him talk about what he had to face at his school made something hurt inside of Blaine. It made him want to do something to fix it. He had never felt such a thing, not when he had spent so much time trying to fix himself.

*

Being around Kurt meant talking for hours without the need to stop to look for words. It meant spending hours at the Lima Bean drinking coffees. It meant having someone who could understand him completely. It meant that for the first time In his life Blaine wanted another person to be close enough to know everything about him.

Sometimes he wished he had met Kurt before, when the both of them were kids trying to face a world that didn’t seem to like what they were. It just made sense to be there for Kurt the more that he could, even if it meant driving back and forth to Lima and facing bullies. Blaine felt as if he had been born simply to put that sweet smile on Kurt’s face.

*

He might have been guarded and careful about his feelings, but he wasn’t stupid. The lonely muscle that his heart had been before meeting Kurt might not have experienced much love over its seventeen years of life, but Blaine understood immediately that the way it speeded up as he sang on a stage with Kurt for the first time at Sectionals could only mean one thing.

The problem was that Blaine wasn’t so ready to face it. He had never been in any kind of relationship before, well at least not with a person for whom he truly cared. There had only been Mary, a girl from school, when he had been only eleven years old. His parents had smiled at the two of them saying that they were cute. Blaine had liked her hair and her dresses but he had frozen on the spot the first time that she had shyly brushed her lips against his own. It hadn’t felt right.

Instead it had felt natural to wonder if his best friend’s lips would be soft. Matt had stopped to talk to him after he had come out, though.

It felt even more natural to take Kurt’s hand to drag him somewhere, to lean his head against Kurt’s shoulder as they watched some old musical, to know by heart which was Kurt’s coffee order and which were his favorite songs.

And because of all that it was so much scarier. Blaine knew that he would never be able to forgive himself if he went and ruined what he and Kurt shared. It was easier to try and focus on someone like Jeremia; at least if something went wrong he wouldn’t have to glue together the pieces of his broken heart.

*

When Kurt told him about his feelings, Blaine felt as if the earth had opened beneath his feet as his heart did something that it had never done before, something that was scarily close to a somersault. They were so close and Blaine’s fingers twitched with the desire to reach out and take Kurt’s hand into his. But a small voice at the back of his head told him that he couldn’t; he was too unsure about what he was feeling and about what he was doing.

He had to wait, even though it meant falling asleep at night filled up to the brim with images of Kurt’s smiles flashing behind his eyelids or spending too much time worrying and overanalyzing every single thing that he said, every casual brush of their hands.

At first he had been worried that Kurt could move away, to guard his own heart. But Kurt proved once more to be such a better person than Blaine was, accepting it all and remaining by his side while Blaine knew that if their roles had been reversed he would have closed himself up and spent time licking his wounds.

It made him want to become better, it made him want to become a man on whom Kurt could rely, a man whom Kurt would be proud to have by his side.

Sometimes, though, Blaine looked at himself in the mirror and wondered if he would ever be able to do that. Those were the times when he would try to spend more of his free time on his own, because being around Kurt was like being hit by a too strong light.

*

Accepting Rachel’s invite on a date had seemed a good idea; it would have been the perfect way out of the hole where Blaine had stuck himself. It would have meant forgetting the swelling feelings he had for Kurt, it would have meant stopping to despise himself because he didn’t seem able to gather enough courage, to turn himself in someone different.

That night at the party he had thrown himself into that kiss to stop his brain from short-circuiting because of the way Kurt moved as he danced, because of Kurt’s hand resting of his tight as they sat on the floor.

But as Blaine should have expected, he couldn’t run away from who he was and from what having Kurt in his life did to him. and that meant only one thing; he had to try harder so that the right time for him and Kurt to be together could come.

*

Blaine couldn’t actually pinpoint what had given him the final push. Maybe it had been the way Kurt’s voice sounded even clearer than it usually did, or the way he wore his heart on his sleeve while he sang for Pavarotti. Or maybe it was simply that Blaine’s heart had been fed up with beating like a drum every time that Kurt would lean closer, with the tingling that invaded Blaine’s body every time that he thought that he could actually _be_ with Kurt if he were brave enough to voice his feelings.

He didn’t have any doubt left anymore; somewhere in between the songs that they had sung and the laughs that they had shared he had realized that he wanted nothing more than be Kurt’s special one. The one who would hold his hand, who would kiss him. The one whom Kurt would dream at night.

*

He knew where he could find Kurt, but he took his time to wonder along the corridors, down to the common room, as he took his time to take in Kurt’s concentrated face as he was decorating Pavarotti’s coffin. There was something incredibly _soft_ about the other boy, it was as if a light was glowing inside of him, smoothing the angles and leaving him simply perfect.

 _Perfect_ was exactly the word that twirled in his mind as he leaned towards Kurt after having babbled words that he truly hoped had made some sense. Kurt’s eyes were wide and shiny, like two moons. As their lips touched something vaporized inside of Blaine. He had to cup the other boy’s face to hold onto reality because all of sudden he felt lighter than a balloon.

When he leaned back into his seat, finding it difficult to calm down and breathe, he thought that he had finally understood what true happiness was like.

It was like Kurt’s soft lips and Kurt’s gentle hands.

*

Before Kurt love had been for Blaine nothing more than a dream; it had been something that he could read about in books or that he could see in movies; it hadn’t been something that he had known for real.

With Kurt he discovered that love was something warm, like the flame of a candle, and that even when you thought that your heart was about to burst because of it, it continued to grow and grow until he took up all the space, until it tinted your world in shades that you didn’t even think existed.

Just like that Kurt changed Blaine’s life, making it beautiful, filling it with duets sang together without caring about what people could think, with tears and with smiles, with hours spent cuddling and singing along while watching Kurt’s favorite musicals.

To know that Kurt was there, right beside him, that Kurt wanted to be with him, made Blaine feel safe and steadier on his feet. It made him feel _complete_.

*

Sitting in front of Kurt as he talked about the trip to New York the words blossomed naturally in the small space between Blaine’s lungs and he simply let them out, because he had learnt that it didn’t make sense to hold things inside, not when it came to Kurt.

“I love you.”

When Kurt said it back, his cheeks flushed and his smile brighter than ever, Blaine’s heart skipped a bit and he prayed to be able to spend every day of his future life feeling like that, to have his heart flutter every single day because Kurt was his and he was Kurt’s.


	2. Chapter 2

_As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for_

Their first summer together arrived and passed in a blur. Blaine missed Kurt terribly while he was working at Six Flags, he would use every break they gave him to text or to call. He discovered that he was able to sleep through all the night without waking up only If he called Kurt before going to sleep. It was as if his boyfriend’s voice could erase all the stress and the anxiety that being apart seemed to cause him. it was like a caress, like the lullabies from his childhood, from a faraway time when his father couldn’t be disappointed in him and in the fact that he had a boyfriend.

Sometimes he had to stop what he was doing because the realization that he and Kurt were together for real hit him. It happened to him almost every day; there would be a small moment, as he read a text that Kurt had sent him or as he went through the lines of a song that reminded him of the other boy. On those moments he almost couldn’t believe that Kurt loved him back and to think that he did sent warm thrills along his veins.

*

Transferring to McKinley felt like the best decision he had ever taken. He was through with running away; he would face everything by Kurt’s side, because if the other boy could hold his chin up and walk straight, proud of who he was, then Blaine could too, _had_ to do it too.

That was how he ended up walking along unfamiliar corridors, getting blueberry slushies thrown at him and singing with the New Directions. Of course it wasn’t easy at first and he missed Wes and Dave and the other Warblers, but he knew that he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Where he and Kurt could sit together during lunch, where they could talk before classes. He had missed it to death when Kurt had transferred back and he didn’t want to let it go anymore.

*

Dancing and singing with the New Direction was fun, it made him feel free to let go of all the energy, to sing higher, to smile more.

And then being part of the McKinley Glee club meant seeing Kurt in his own element, all powerful voice and incredibly fluid movements.

Sometimes Blaine wished that he had a remote in order to replay some of Kurt’s motions over and over. On times like that he was positively sure that he could never get tired of the other boy. Especially not when after practice he would do things like walking up to Blaine and leave a tender kiss right at the corner of his mouth or taking his hand and dancing with him on the notes of some random song.

*

As time passed they grew even closer and if possible Blaine kept falling in love over and over. There were all those small, precious things about Kurt, like the way he would blush when Blaine would whisper to him that he was beautiful or the way he would bit his lower lip when he was trying to concentrate or the way he always texted him goodnight.

And then slowly being around each other most of the time wasn’t enough, because all that Blaine could think about was erasing every distance between himself and Kurt. But he knew how delicate the other boy was, how self-conscious he was about himself, so he willed himself to go slowly, to make Kurt understand that if he wanted to touch him, to _feel_ him, it was because he was madly, stupidly, completely in love with him.

At first there were shy, gentle touches as they were lying on Kurt’s bed cuddling or sitting on the couch watching some movie. He would trace circles on the back of Kurt’s hand or trace the smooth lines of his neck and jaw with his fingers. It never ceased to amaze him how soft the other boy was, how warm his skin was.

Sometimes at night, lying awake in his bed, Blaine imagined how it would feel to slide his fingertips along Kurt’s spine, how it would feel like to kiss his shoulder blades. But most of all he found himself imagining how it would be to explore each other. He knew that having such fantasies probably wasn’t appropriate, but he simply couldn’t stop them from coming.

*

The first time that he and Kurt were truly intimate with each other took him by surprise and knocked the air out of his lungs, turning him into a bundle of raw emotions.

They hadn’t truly talked about it, so when Kurt left a soft kiss behind his ear and slid a hand to the front of his trousers after they had spent what seemed like hours simply kissing, Blaine felt as if he was falling from somewhere really high. He was positively sure that his heart would fall out of his chest because of how fast it was beating.

He tried to say something, to check if the other boy was truly alright with that, but then Kurt’s fingers squeezed gently and all that he could do was shut his eyes and make a low, needy sound at the back of his throat.

Touching Kurt felt amazing, exactly as he had imagined. He discovered that he loved Kurt’s weight in his hand, his warmth and his taste. It wasn’t just that Kurt was beautiful, with his milky skin and his lean muscles, it was that Kurt was such a special creature that even his moans and his sighs had in them something that made Blaine think that he would happily give everything if he could be sure to spend all his life with the other boy.

*

The first time that they made love to each other was on a winter night.

Blaine had invited Kurt to sleep at his house for the first time since when they had started dating. His parents were out of town on some trip to Europe and he had thought that having Kurt to come over was a good idea. Except that the more the day came closer the more nervous he got; it would be the first time that he and Kurt would have a whole house only for them, without doors to keep ajar, without Burt sitting in the living room.

He spent most of his time trying to put off the images that twirled around in his mind. He would never forgive himself if he ended up forcing Kurt to do things that he didn’t want to.

Then the day arrived; it was snowing outside and Blaine spent the afternoon waiting for Kurt to arrive sitting on the carpet in front of the fire place, listening to old Christmas’ songs, it calmed him and it made him imagine a future made of Christmas’ mornings shared with Kurt and, maybe in a distant future if they would be lucky, a child.

When the doorbell rang he almost jumped from where he had fallen asleep, leaning against the couch. Yawning he padded across the living room, took a deep breath and opened the door. Kurt was standing there, his cheeks redder because of the cold and his lips stretched into a sweet smile. Something warmed up instantly inside of Blaine and he could almost physically feel all the worries leaving him, dissolving in front of Kurt’s clear eyes.

It came like the wind on a spring day, like breathing and kissing Kurt’s lips. It came naturally and it left him breathless, the deep beauty of it all, of the way Kurt was tender and hot around his fingers, the way Kurt’s back arched so perfectly that he seemed to be a drawing made by the most talented artist on Earth. And, well, then there was the fact that Kurt was everywhere around Blaine; his hands like light wings on his hips, his mouth gentle and yet strong against his own, his whole body moving as if it was one with Blaine’s.

It felt amazing to be so deep inside of Kurt that he could feel the rush of his blood and every single shift of his muscles. Blaine came whispering promises against pink lips.

When Blaine closed his eyes that night, Kurt curled up by his side, he had tears at the corner of his eyes because of how complete he felt, because he had never felt such perfect joy in his whole life.

*

Growing up around Kurt, _with_ Kurt, wasn’t always easy, because of his stubbornness and because of Blaine’s own faults, but it was perfect nonetheless.

Their last year of high school went by fast, made of fights and reconciliations, of nights spent talking on Skype because neither of them could sleep and of Valentine’s Day serenades.

They won Regionals and for Nationals Blaine went to New York with Kurt for the first time. They made plans for when they would go to live there once they would start attending college, they held hands right at the center of Times Square and walked through Central Park.

 

Almost without realizing it they turned into two men, graduation slipped away and the time to move to New York came.


	3. Chapter 3

_And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees_

Being in New York seemed to constantly fill Blaine with energy. It wasn’t only because of the neon lights, the shops and the museums, but mainly  because he lived with Kurt.

After the first couple of hectic weeks, spent trying to figure out how to move around and how college worked, they easily slipped into the dynamics of sharing their small flat. There was nothing that made Blaine happier than to learn that Kurt preferred to sleep on the left side of the bed, or that in the mornings he drank his coffee when he was already dressed up and ready to go out.

The more time passed, the more Blaine realized that what they had was something out of ordinary, something special. It scared him sometimes, to think that maybe be he had found Kurt too early in his life, that there could be so many things, so many years, to make them grow apart. But he had to push all those thoughts aside, he didn’t want to be weak; he wanted to be the person on whom Kurt could always rely.

*

Blaine loved living on his own and all the small things that came with it, like the fact that he ended up shopping for groceries or that sometimes he would try to cook something for Kurt when he would come back late from classes.

He didn’t miss home very much, there had been too many days spent alone in his room during holidays counting down the days to go back to Dalton, too many days spent alone, at least before Kurt had breezed into his life. But for Kurt was different, Blaine could see it in the way his eyes would always get a bit glassy after he had talked to his father on the phone, or in the way he would become restless when it happened to spend months in New York without possibility to fly back to Lima because of the exams or because of their part-time works.

The other man was as enthusiastic as ever about the city and about his course, but he often got nervous about his schedules and deadlines. When it happened Blaine always tried his best to make him feel better, he would try and cook him something- even though he wasn’t allowed within a meter from the oven after a particular bad incident involving home-made pizza- or he would drag him into a hug and simply cuddle him until he could feel the tension leaving Kurt’s body.

*

Their first year of college passed and it was good to discover all the opportunities and the difficulties that the world held with Kurt by his side.

Now and then people would tell him that it was incredible that he still managed to be together with his first love, that they had been together since high school while usually people broke up after changing their way of life. It made something inside of Blaine ache, as if a small and traitorous part of him thought that they were right.

*

It was at the beginning of their second year. Blaine had gone back to New York earlier than Kurt, after the summer break. There wasn’t anything that could keep him in Ohio, not when his friends were scattered around the country; Wes had even moved to England and he could hear from him only on Skype. Kurt, instead, had decided to remain a bit longer, to spend time with Mercedes and with the others. Some of them had remained closer to home and others had moved, but they all had each other and they didn’t hesitate to go back home and spend time together.

Blaine spent the days he was alone visiting the places that he loved more in New York, the places that he had visited with Kurt so many times, like Ellis Island or Greenwich Village, simply soaking up what the city was willing to give him. It felt lonely and one day it hit him, the fact that at some point over the years that had slipped by his life had come to revolve completely around Kurt. As if the other man was at the same time the moon and the sun, not leaving space for anything else.

Blaine came back home with the weight of that realization making him feel heavier than ever. As soon as he entered the flat he leaned against the door and closed his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart taking deeps breaths. Maybe he could be able to push also that thought aside, as he had done with many of his fears and his doubts over time.

*

Kurt came back and they went back to their life together but the small and compact stone of that terrible thought remained right there.

*

It was like that that it all started. The fights and Kurt’s yells and his tears. Blaine ached all over, constantly, at the thought that he was the one pulling the other man down, betraying him, even though he loved him. Oh, he did, so deeply and strongly that it made him feel powerless. But that was exactly the point; at the point that they had reached in their lives Blaine thought that he should be able to stand on his own two feet and he felt that he wasn’t.

He talked to Kurt about it, patiently trying to make him understand that it was all about Blaine himself and that it didn’t change what Blaine felt for him. Kurt kept telling him that it was nonsense, that he had long ago learnt how to stand on his own and how to be proud of who he was. But for the first time in years it was as if Kurt’s words weren’t able to reach the bottom of his mind and of his soul.

They weren’t able to mend something that had cracked inside of Blaine, even though it hadn’t really broken.

*

It was the end of September when they mutually agreed that it was better to let go of each other, at least for a while; because, even though a part of them screamed that they needed each other, bitterness had started to veil the pleasure to be together.

Kurt had been nervous more often than not saying that he hated to be so uncertain and Blaine had known that he was right. He had to go and make the last step and hope that things would work again with time.

Maybe putting a bit of distance between them would turn everything into something better, would turn _them_ into better people. And if it wouldn’t, well, maybe they hadn’t been destined to be each other’s halves. The thought made something gnaw at Blaine’s heart every time.

So Blaine went and moved at his friend Jack’s house. It took him a couple of days to move all his things out and Kurt put a lot of effort in being out of the flat they had shared when Blaine was there. The first night in his new room Blaine felt lonely and his skin felt cold without the reassuring warmth of Kurt’s body.

*

It wasn’t as if they had stopped seeing each other or hearing from each other, thank God, because Blaine was positively sure that he wouldn’t have been able to stand it.

Simply Kurt wasn’t by his side every day anymore.

Blaine didn’t regret the choice he had made, he was sure that they needed some time apart to truly figure themselves out. Still it was hard; it was hard to remember that he couldn’t call Kurt whenever he felt like, or text him whenever he saw something that reminded him of the other man, which happened a lot of the time.

The fact was that they had always been too connected to each other and most of the time Blaine felt as if someone had taken one of his arms off.

*

Time passed, though, and weeks morphed into months. Blaine threw himself into studying and forced himself not to look for Kurt. They still stumbled into each other on campus now and then or at parties thrown by friends they had in common. Every time seeing Kurt made something tighten and ache inside of Blaine’s chest. When he was a bit tipsy the desire to reach out was almost unbearable but he always forced himself to resist.

On those nights he would go back home alone and his eyes would always feel warm with unshed tears. And he felt so stupid because he was the only one to blame because he had been too scared and so less mature than he had thought.


	4. Chapter 4

_And from above you how I sank into your soul into that secret place where no one dares to go_

When Christmas’ break was just a week or so away, Blaine was invited to a party by one his best friend, Darla, and he couldn’t refuse to go, even though he knew that Kurt would be there too, considering that they had met her together on the first days of classes during their first year.

The flat was full of people and the lights were warm. Blaine made sure to spend all of the time with Darla or with Jack, because he didn’t trust himself to be left alone, not after the summersault that his heart had made when Kurt had arrived at the party accompanied by a boy with light blond hair and grey eyes.

Blaine knew that it was stupid but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that Kurt was beautiful; it hurt to see him standing there, shining among all the other people in the flat. Before the other man could spot him, Blaine turned and slid into the kitchen. Leaning against the cool surface of the fridge he tried to clear his thoughts; the alcohol made his head spin slightly and his blood run faster somehow. After a while he stood up and went for the door, thinking that probably it would be better to go back home. It was then that his gaze met with Kurt’s. The azure he had been so familiar with seemed deeper, it made Blaine’s breath get lost in between his lungs.

They didn’t say anything, they just looked at each other through the people chatting and drinking all around them. Blaine felt as if he was floating; at the same time he wanted to go back to the ground and to be lighter, so that he could step over the distance that had grown between them, so that he could hold Kurt’s hand into his again.

But then the hand of another man was on Kurt’s shoulder and he was smiling; Blaine could almost hear the sound of something breaking inside of him. He turned and walked towards the door without turning back.

Once he was outside he took a deep breath, the cold air burning down his throat. He needed it, he needed the pain, because it was the only thing that could prevent him from sinking to his knees and crying, the longing suddenly so heavy that it was difficult for him to breathe.

That night, lying awake in his bed, Blaine tossed and turned as memories twirled around in his mind; small details like the way Kurt had smiled after they had kissed for the first time or the way he had adjusted Blaine’s scarf during a walk in Central Park the previous year. Things that he had thought to have forgotten, but that were still there, precious and so distant.

*

Kurt didn’t call after the party at Darla’s and days continued to slip by as they had done in the past months, one by one, all tasting the same, all tasting like loss. And then there was the thought of the man Kurt was with at the party. Blaine had always thought that jealousy was something that would have never affected him.

He realized that he was wrong when the mere thought of Kurt being close to someone as they had been made his stomach twist.

*

Flying back home for Christmas’ holidays wasn’t the same without Kurt sitting by his side, reading some magazine or talking about the presents he had bought for his family and friends. Sitting there on his own made Blaine feel empty and so tired.

It felt as if he and Kurt had been apart for years already. It seemed as if he was about to forget how Kurt’s skin had felt like under his fingertips. And, alright, he might have been the one who had needed some time on his own, but now that he had had it he missed Kurt. It wasn’t simply missing a person with whom he could share warmth and face what the world and the future could put in front of him.

It was more like walking and losing the balance over and over, as if something within him didn’t work well anymore. As if a small space hidden inside of him that before had been full now was empty.

Being by himself Blaine had learnt many things about his own reactions, his views of things surely, but he had also discovered that after a while if he was away from Kurt, his whole being longed for him. It hadn’t been an unsettling realization; Blaine had thought that he should have realized it from how affected by Kurt he had always been, from their first kiss in Dalton’s common to the first time that they had made love, to the constant thrumming of his heart every time that Kurt had taken his hand or smiled softly at him.

He leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, hoping that he hadn’t realized all of that too late.

*

Christmas’ day passed in a blur of relatives he had never truly cared about; his parents were somehow kinder to him, even though he didn’t understand if it was because they had become more accepting or because they had sensed how miserable he felt.

He kept glancing at his mobile phone now and then, but no text or call by Kurt arrived. That night he went to bed feeling scarily closer to the lost and confused boy that he had been before meeting Kurt.

He wondered if first loves were supposed to sink so deep into one’s soul.

*

A couple of days before New Year’s Eve Blaine was sitting  on his bed, reading to erase the thoughts from his mind because they had managed to become too heavy and sharp-edged.

When his phone started to buzz he was tempted to let it be and not reach for it; he didn’t feel like talking to anyone, because they would ask him how he was doing and he had no good answer to give, because they would ask about Kurt and he would have to fight back a sob.

Whoever was calling was insistent, though, and finally Blaine scooted on the bed and reached for the phone on the night stand. He stared at the name flashing on the screen for what felt like hours. He swallowed dry before answering.

“K-Kurt?”

He hated how hesitant he sounded, but it had been months since they had heard each other on the phone; months since the last time that Kurt had talked to him.

“Hey.”

Blaine remained silent, trying to take control of his beating heart and feeling stupid because even the simple sound of Kurt’s voice could do that to him, could make his whole world revolve around its axis faster.

“So…how was Christmas?”

Blaine wanted nothing more than to tell Kurt that that wasn’t what they were supposed to talk about; he wanted to ask so many questions and to give so many answers, but he knew Kurt well, even after the time spent apart, and he knew that asking about small, apparently irrelevant things was his way to re-connect. He had used to do that also when they had been together and had had some fight. The memories of Kurt’s shy glances, of the kisses that came after making peace, made Blaine ache all over.

So he let Kurt guide the conversation, because talking to him again felt so much like home and completeness. He crushed the desire to ask him if they could see each other before going back to New York.

After a few minutes of small talk Kurt told him that he had to go; Blaine bit hard on his lower lip to stop the _“please tell me that you’ll call again_ ” that was threatening to escape. He simply whispered a goodbye and closed his eyes as if that could stop the flow of emotions running through him like crazy animals.

*

On New Year’s Eve he was at Wes’ house. It was good to be among all friends, but when midnight came he slipped through the people and entered a dark and quiet room. He stared at the velvet sky outside of the window, wondering where Kurt was and with whom he could be.

When his mobile phone buzzed in his pocket he fished it out almost automatically; the azure light reverberated against the glass of the window.

 _Happy New Year, Blaine. K_

Blaine leaned against the glass, it was cold against his forehead but he didn’t care. He remained like that for a while as his heart trembled.

*

It was January 2nd; the sky was grey and the ground was covered in snow. Blaine had spent the last half hour pacing back and forth in his room trying to find enough courage to dial Kurt’s number. Years before he had ben then one to talk to Kurt about courage, but now it was his turn and he was scared that the other man could refuse, that they would go back to the silence of the past months.

His eyes darted towards a photograph of him and Kurt at their graduation ceremony, smiling at each other, their eyes shining slightly; he hadn’t had enough strength to put it away as he had done with other things that reminded him of the other man.

He leaned against the wardrobe waiting for Kurt to pick up his phone. Outside it started to snow again.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Blaine felt as if the words had got stuck somewhere along his throat; he heard Kurt chuckle on the other end of the line.

“So…did you call to tell me something?”

Blaine shook his head to clear his mind and before he could chicken out he blurted out what he had been thinking for days.

“Yes…uhm…do you think we could maybe take a coffee together or something one of these days?”

Blaine held his breath as when he had been a child and his grandfather brought him home a present he hadn’t been expected. What if Kurt would say no? What if he didn’t care about not having Blaine in his life? What if…

“Uhm…Okay. Tomorrow, Lima Bean at 5?”

Blaine nodded stupidly before realizing that Kurt couldn’t see him.

“Y-Yeah that would be perfect.”

“See you tomorrow then.”

Blaine spent the rest of the day driving around in his old car, listening to random CDs that he and Kurt had made when they still had been in high school; it was the only way to prevent himself from thinking about what he would say to Kurt, about all the things that could go wrong.

*

Being at the Lima Bean felt a lot like having travelled back in time; except that back then Kurt had been holding his hand under the table and would have smiled at him over the Styrofoam cups. Now instead Kurt was concentrated looking at the bottom of his glass, his hands curled up over his knees. Blaine sighed, he should have expected it to be slightly awkward when between them the presence of months spent apart and things left unsaid was almost solid in between the cups and the surface of the table.

He passed a hand through his hair, as if he could find the right words there. Memories of Kurt’s hands patting his curls fondly washed over him and Blaine knew that he would drown if he didn’t say anything. Because talking to Kurt, reaching for him, had somehow become as important as breathing.

“Look…”

“Blaine…”

They stared at each other, eyes wide, and Blaine couldn’t help but smile at the way they had decided to speak exactly at the same time. They had used to be like that all the time.

Kurt shook his head, a shy smile stretching his lips.

“You go ahead.”

Blaine took a deep breath; he briefly wondered if it would be alright to reach for Kurt’s hand as he spoke, but then he decided against it, not wanting to put too much pressure on him, not wanting to give himself away too much.

“I…I’ve been thinking a lot. About me…and about you.”

He swallowed dry as Kurt once again lowered his gaze onto his glass of water.

“W-What I mean is…I…”

He squeezed his eyes, trying to fish enough courage to say it once for all.

“I…I miss you.”

He opened them again, not caring that they were already filled with tears.

“I miss you so much that it hurts.”

Blaine held his breath, listening to the ticking sounds his heart was making into his ears. When finally Kurt lifted his eyes, they were both glassier and determined. He took a deep breath before talking.

“It’s not so easy, Blaine. Not anymore.”

All that Blaine could do was grip the edge of the small table harder.

“It’s…is it because of that man you were with at the party?”

Kurt quirked an eyebrow.

“No. He…he has nothing to do with anything.”

“But…you were with him right?”

Blaine felt stupid, because he knew that it didn’t make sense to ask all these questions when the real matter was completely different. But he couldn’t help it, not when the thought of Kurt kissing someone else, making love to someone else had made his blood boil.

Kurt’s voice was low and hard when he spoke again.

“What do you want me to say, Blaine? That I tried to be with him but I couldn’t because all I could think about was you? Are you happy now?”

Kurt’s eyes were filled with tears, his cheeks redder and his hands balled into fists over the tablecloth. Blaine felt like reaching out and kissing him, because it felt like the only way to apologize. But he also felt something else, a small flame of relief at the thought that Kurt hadn’t forgotten him.

“Kurt…I…”

Kurt shook his head, a strand of brown hair falling out of place. Without thinking twice Blaine leaned forward and put it back in place. To touch Kurt again made his breath hitch and he couldn’t resist the urge to leave his hand behind Kurt’s ear for a while longer. It was like coming back to somewhere safe after a long journey. His heart skipped a beat as he felt Kurt leaning slightly into the touch.

Then Kurt quickly pulled back and reality came crashing on Blaine again. He pulled back his hand and rested it on his lap.

“Blaine…”

He snapped his gaze up and looked at Kurt in silence.

“I…I don’t know what we can do…I don’t know if there’s anything that’s left to mend.”

The mere thought that everything could end for good made Blaine’s ribcage feel tighter than ever.

“Please, don’t say like that.”

“And what am I supposed to say?”

At this point Blaine truly didn’t care if he sounded as if he was pleading. He _had_ to try to keep Kurt in his life; he had the sensation that otherwise everything else would fall to pieces and crumble.

“Say that you’ll think about it, that…that you won’t simply suffocate what you’re feeling. I…I’ve tried and I can’t. I…I can’t let my love for you die.”

Kurt remained silent for a while; people all around them were moving and drinking and chatting, but all that they seemed able to do was look at each other. Even though he was terrified of the answers that he could get, of the regrets that could come, Blaine felt oddly reassured by the fact that he could simply look at Kurt, taking in the soft lines of his face, the deep lights of his eyes.

“A-Alright. I…I’ll think about it.”

Blaine had never heard Kurt sounding so open and so vulnerable; it was almost painful to realize that he had fallen for the man sitting in front of him once again. He wondered if it would ever stop, this love that kept growing even though it hurt like hell.

“N-Now I’ve got to go.”

As Kurt stood up, Blaine didn’t even try to stop him, he knew that they both needed some time on their own to think.

“Y-Yeah, of course. So…see you in New York?”

He bit his lower lip, hoping that he hadn’t said too much.

“Alright. I’ll…talk to you soon.”

Blaine kept his gaze on Kurt’s back as the other man walked towards the exit and then out under the snow. He gripped his cup tighter, trying to keep under control the hope that was already twirling in his mind like a lost bird.

*

After having met Kurt, going back to New York didn’t feel as horrible as it had months before. But it was hard anyway, to live normally, to go to class and to work, while waiting. Because that was the only thing that Blaine felt he was doing, _waiting_ , for Kurt to call, for Kurt to send him a text. For Kurt to tell him that, yes, they could try and glue the pieces back together.

Days passed, though, and nothing arrived. Blaine felt empty as a shell abandoned on the seashore.

*

On a sunny day at the end of January, Blaine was going back home from the shops when his phone buzzed. He stopped on the side of the pavement and fished it out of his pocket.

 _Movie at The Quad, 7pm tonight? K._

Blaine blinked and re-read the text. Part of him knew that he should be angry, because Kurt had disappeared again and then thought that it was enough to send a small text, but another part, the one that had learned to read Kurt as a book and to love him for all the small quirks that he had, knew that to send that single text had meant a lot of thought and of courage for Kurt.

 _I’ll be there. B._

*

It was nice to sit in the old cinema by Kurt’s side, watching _Anna Karenina_ with Greta Garbo, or, well, mainly watching the lights reflected on Kurt’s pale skin.

After the movie Kurt asked him if he wanted to have something to drink; Blaine nodded, not trusting his own voice. It felt as if something warm and sparkling had just crawled under his skin. It felt as being around Kurt had used to.

That night Blaine fell asleep thinking about the soft smile that Kurt had flashed him when they had wished each other a good night.

*

From them on it was a series of small moments they both stole in between their schedules. It was nothing big and they still were guarded around each other, but slowly Blaine stopped being nervous and re-discovered how easy it was to talk to Kurt about everything that popped into his mind. How similar they were and how good it felt to simply walk side by side or sip a coffee talking about their days and small projects.

It was like getting to know each other all over again; even though it was somehow different, because Blaine remember all too well the way Kurt laughed or smiled.

Once Kurt grabbed his hand to guide him faster between the people crowding the street and Blaine had stopped in his tracks, the sensation crashing over him. In moments like that it was hard to be patient, it was hard to resist the urge to drag Kurt closer and kiss him. Kurt must have realized it, because he quickly let go of his hand. Even though Blaine wanted to reach out, he simply smiled and he felt light as a matching smile lighted up Kurt’s face.

*

Time passed and February morphed into March. Blaine had started to feel that happiness was somehow closer, that he could almost touch it with the tips of his fingers. It was lying there, in front of him, every time that Kurt called him to ask him to go out, every time that Kurt texted him about something.

It felt right to be happy because of Kurt, after the time spent alone, learning that he could stand on his own but longing for the other man’s presence.

After he had handed in a paper he had been working on for ages, Blaine asked Kurt if he wanted to have dinner together. Kurt’s voice was soft as he said yes over the phone.

They went to eat in a small thai restaurant; they had already been there when they had been a couple but they had carefully avoided it during the past months. It was the first place that had come to Blaine’s mind, though, and he had thought that maybe they were ready for that. He was happy to realize that he had been right; Kurt smiled at him over the curry and they talked as always. Blaine thought that he wouldn’t be able to keep all that he was feeling inside for much longer. It was just too much and too bright.

Outside the air was warm and the moon pale. Blaine felt brave after maybe having had one over the eight and, keeping his gaze straight ahead, he gently took Kurt’s hand into his. At first Kurt didn’t react and Blaine cursed himself because he had been so stupid to rush things after all the time they had spent tightening knots that had come loosen. But then Kurt’s warm hand squeezed back and it was as if everything had just fallen into the right place again.

He looked at Kurt from the corner of his eye, he wasn’t looking at Blaine but his lips were quirked up at the corners.

*

Summer came and they were back in Ohio, sitting outside in Kurt’s backyard, as they had done so many times when they were still in high school.

Blaine had started to spend time at the Hummel-Hudson’s house again, after the initial difficulties explaining Burt that Kurt and he were back to being friends. It felt good to be around Kurt’s family, even though it made Blaine nostalgic most of the time.

They were sitting side by side, lazily sipping lemonade. Blaine kept his eyes focused on the stars up above, replaying in his mind all the moments that he and Kurt had shared during the past few months. The laughs, the smiles, the shy brushing of hands, the hugs before saying goodbye.

It came out easily, like breathing or dreaming.

“Sitting here makes me remember all the times that we’ve spent time together here, you know?”

“It…it happens to me too.”

Blaine blinked and turned towards the other man.

“It…it makes me want to go back. I…I’ve been so happy to spend time with you lately, but…but I still love you, you know that, Kurt.”

Kurt’s cheeks reddened and Blaine felt his heart flutter.

“I know.”

“So…I…I know I’m not in the position to ask anything, but…”

Kurt smiled at him fondly and Blaine lost track of what he was supposed to say.

“Can I ask you something instead?”

“Y-Yeah of course.”

Kurt leaned closer and Blaine quickly wondered if hearts could get stuck in people’s throats for real.

“Can I kiss you, Blaine?”

His whole body felt numb but somehow he managed to nod and then Kurt’s lips were on his and every cell in Blaine’s body knew that that was where they belonged. Kissing Kurt after all that time felt like learning to breathe all over again; the moment their tongues brushed against each other everything blurred around him and all that Blaine could do was cupping Kurt’s face and kissing him harder.

They broke for air and looked at each other; Blaine realized that he had almost forgotten what kissing Kurt could do to his heart.

“So…this means…”

Kurt smiled.

“It means we’re together. As we have always been supposed to be.”

Blaine knew that it was stupid but he could prevent a tear from rolling down his cheek at the thought that they had made it, that they had managed to find each other again.

“Shh, why are you crying now?”

Worry was evident on Kurt’s features and Blaine wanted nothing more than to wipe it all away, so he leaned forward and brushed their lips together once more.

“Because you’ve sank into my soul.”

Kurt chuckled, Blaine grinned.

“Hey, there’s nothing to laugh about, sir!”

“Well, you truly are a hopeless romantic, Blaine Anderson. But you know what? It feels comfortable to be in your soul. Hope you feel the same about mine.”

Blaine laughed, feeling as light as a cloud on a summer day.

“It feels wonderful, love.”


End file.
